Life Update: Trying to Conceive Single

January 1, 2018

Hey guys! Happy New Year! It’s finally 2018 and I am so excited about the new year.

Here is the life update that I have been mentioning since I returned in October from my hiatus. If you’ve read the title, then you already know what it’s leading to.

My last life update was done in April, after getting over my failed attempt to adopt. At that time, I didn’t really give you much to go on. Many questions were left unanswered. In fact, people are still asking me “how are the kids?” So let’s backtrack all the way to January of last year.

January 2017, I was presented with the profile of a brother/sister sibling set of which I was accepted to receive as foster to adopt. I had apprehensions at first but felt they were based on shallow reasons so I continued to pray about it.  I was told by their social worker that “mom” was out of the picture, and both kids were healthy with no illnesses or allergies.

On my drive to Raleigh to get the kids, all I wanted to do was turn around and go home. I had the feeling I always get when something bad is about to happen. When I arrived at the Department of Social Services in Raleigh to pick them up, mom was not only in the picture, she was there. At first, I was, for lack of a better word, pissed off about her presence but soon realized how it was a blessing. Mom informed me that the girl suffered from seizures and was on medication, and both kids had asthma and needed an oxygen tank at night. Had mom, not been there, I would have never known this. When I told the social worker when she returned in the room, yes she left me in the room unsupervised with the biological mother, she was as shocked as I was to hear about the illnesses and of course did not have the medicine to give me for the girl. Again, I wanted to run out of there like the Flash, but kept telling myself, these kids need a place to stay. So I did not run. Instead, I sat there watching their mother cry her eyes out over losing her kids. All I could think was, I did not sign up for this.

Fast forward to a couple of days later. I still don’t have the medicine for the girl. I’ve now witnessed her have a seizure, and I don’t have Medicaid cards to take her to the doctor or get her her medicine that she takes twice a day and hasn’t had for four days now.

The social worker comes for her first home visit and finally brings the medicine. I tell her that I am not bonding with the children. Her response was it takes time. I completely understand that, but I also know how I am. I feel a connection almost instantly with people if there will be a bond. And the same goes the other way. I feel uneasy when I meet people who I later never make a connection with. So I knew time would not heal this bonding. For me, it would get worse.

Well, it got worse. While the social worker was there, I mentioned seeing scars all over the little girl. She immediately stripped her and took pictures of the scars. She then confirmed what I already suspected, the girl was abused. So now we have mom still in the picture (and telling the kids she is getting them back during her weekly phone calls), illnesses, and abuse. But wait, there’s more.

The boy was abusive. He came across sweet and innocent while the girl was the wild child. But he was not so sweet or innocent when it came to my cats. He was constantly pulling the tail of my then 6-month-old kitten, and I caught him standing on my 8-year-old cat. Just standing on him while he screamed for his life. At that point, enough was enough. Did I mention he was also sick with a fever and I still did not have Medicaid cards to take him to the doctor, and therefore was not authorized to give him medicine.  The Medicaid cards eventually came two weeks after the kids were gone.

Even though I am making light of this situation by adding some dry humor to make it easier to discuss, my experience was anything but funny.  Yes, I understand that adopting through foster care, you don’t always end up with the healthiest children. In this case, I was completely blindsided because their social worker did not know anything about them. However, I did learn that public adoption may not be the road I need to take, and adoption is not the route I need to take first.

Thus leading me to today. As a 38-year-old, happily single woman, I still want to have birth children. I thought adoption was what I needed to do until I met my husband, got married, and had children. Well, if I keep waiting for him, I will be too old to even think about getting pregnant. And what if I never meet him. Am I supposed to throw my dreams of having birth children away because some men don’t know a jewel when they have one?

Well, about ten years ago, my mom had mentioned me getting a donor (as in donor sperm). But then, I just knew I was going to be married and done with having kids by the time I was 33. We all have dreams! So when adoption didn’t  work after a three-year-long process, I realized I was now closer to 40 and time was running out. Something else I learned from the foster care placement was that I am definitely ready to be a mom, more so now than ever before. So began the search for a sperm donor.

Finding “my baby daddy” was the most fun part of the whole experience of trying to conceive yet. I mean you are literally designing your future kids. Picking him out of hundreds of donors was like going to Toys R Us as a kid.  

Of course, I went to see an OBGYN to make sure everything in my special area was good, and she referred me to a fertility specialist to complete the IUI (intrauterine insemination). Well, that is where I leave you.

As always, I have been documenting this experience on video. So to get the rest of my journey, you will just have to watch and see. The first of my IUI Vlogs is now live and linked below.

xo Tish

P.S. Please leave negative comments in your head. This journey has been hard enough for me, so judgments are not welcomed or wanted. If there is anything you can do for me now, its just pray!

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