A Mother’s Day Pain

It’s Mother’s Day. Although everywhere you turn, you hear Happy Mother’s Day, it may not be such a happy day for you. Let’s be real, Mother’s day may be a pain for some of us. You want to get with the program of the hype in Mother’s Day, but there is that pain within your heart. And guess what, you don’t have to ignore it.

I was inspired to write this blog after learning that someone beneficial to me lost their mother last Sunday.  Her mom lived a full life of 94 years, but I still thought about all of the pain she must be feeling, and then I thought how will she cope with Mother’s Day.  That led me to think about all of the people I know who have lost their moms, and all of the women who may find Mother’s Day painful for other reasons.

I thought about myself, and how I just knew last Mother’s Day was going to be my last Mother’s Day not being a mom. I almost celebrated that thought last year with all of the excitement I had about becoming a mom. For those of you who don’t know, I have been on the journey to adopt for over a year now. Although I knew the adoption process could be a long one, I was reassured that I would have my placement (my child) in 6 – 9 months by the agency I am using. I tried to fight back tears when the memory hit me this week, but I decided to just let it be. And the tears did come. So there I was again, with a pain in my heart on Mother’s Day, of not being a mom and the wonder if I ever will be.

This is for you, with that little point of pain in your heart, especially on Mother’s Day;

The mother who’s so close and yet so far.

The mother who is slipping away.

The mother you lost too soon.

The mother you loved so much who couldn’t love you back.

The mother you could never love because it hurt too much.

The mother you can never please.

The mother you never knew.

The baby you never had.

The one you gave up.

The child you lost to something bigger than you.

The child that slipped away before you ever held him/her.

The baby that was never born.

The one you worry you’re failing.

The one that God has promised.

Whether it’s because your mom is not here or your motherhood experience hasn’t gone according to your plan, you don’t have to ignore that pain.  There are no cards or holidays that can honor you or contain your sorrow or celebration. But there is this moment that you can feel it all.

“And here, my friends, is where something important happens. This is where we connect, where we understand we are frail, where we are human. Where we see in new ways what life means. Where we are issued a compelling and persistent invitation to mother ourselves. To cut ourselves the breaks we didn’t get. To ask for the help we always needed. To let tears come and say, this is how it is. I’ll ask in this one tiny moment, for the courage I need to let everything just be.” -Jen

Here are a few things to help you get through your pain:

1. Feel it – like I’ve said, don’t ignore it. Grieving is a part of life and healing. You are worth feeling your pain and your happiness.
2. Remember the loss and hope for the gain – remember your mom and all of the things you loved about her. Stay hopeful of what life can bring you and be open to “unconventional” ways.
3. Give thanks – give thanks for the life your mom lived, and thank God in advance for all He is doing in your life and the lives of those you are dependent on.
4. Trust in the Lord – Proverbs 3:5-6; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.

P.S. In your profound sorrow, know that you are seen and heard and that you are more loved than you realize.

In Honor of

Blanche Watts Caldwell